Dear Jas, Jane, Juanita,
I know what it’s like to be the one who is responsible for the whole family. It is tiring and feels isolating and you must be wondering where is God in all of this.
I was conditioned to take responsibility for my ex-husband and my children. I think firstly this is because my mother was the responsible parent in my childhood home and my dad was a child. She was the one who decorated and provided for our basic needs. He provided for himself first and foremost.
A thought that has just dropped into my mind is what was your role in your childhood family? Are you still playing that role in your adult life? If so let’s dismantle that!
I gained insight and freedom when I listened to some teaching by Kris Vallotton and Danny Silk. The lie that got dismantled was that I was responsible for everyone. I managed the atmosphere, I kept everyone calm.
Picture this my ex-husband is upset and ready to blow. I would be the one who would take responsibility to calm him down and keep the peace.
Well in the above teaching I learned that I was only responsible for managing myself and he was responsible for managing himself. Once I stopped reacting to his stuff and left him to deal with it I was free. I remember the first few times I did that, I could see the look of shock on his face. Almost saying aren’t you going to stop me? Aren’t you going to take responsibility for my feelings and make me stop acting like a child? It was liberating.
Following on from that I remember in one of the talks Kris stating that ‘I was not responsible for managing/taming a lion.’ This is how my marriage felt, I was forever trying to manage or tame the lion. Woah that was freeing. Everyone in my family got to take responsibility for themselves!
During this time of revelation and newfound freedom, a relative-in-law was dying in the hospital. I had gone to support the ex and also to pray for her if I got the chance, I did; it was lovely to see the Lord minister to her as I touched her arm. There was a young woman there who was a responsible sort, she had been given/taken the role of keeping her man calm. He looked to her for support, she was the one who told him what his responsibility was and how he should conduct himself. I noted that it was too much for her to bare but also that this is what some pockets of society expect from women and so that is what we have done. I wondered how long it would be before she would be the one being resented. A little while later I was in a conversation that went something along the lines of ‘she is mothering him,’ and he didn’t like it. So first we are given or take the responsibility of managing or taming the lion because the lion doesn’t want to do the work himself and frankly has never had to and then we are hated by our men who are full of resentment.
Have a listen to the talks from Kris Vallotton and Danny Silk and enjoy your new freedom. You are responsible for you and he is responsible for him!
Brothers, if you see yourself in this why don’t you do something about it? Stand on your own two feet, listen to the above teaching; take responsibility for yourself and become the man you are called to be. You won’t regret it and your family will be blessed. God is able if you are willing!
Love
Anju x